self hate?

8 Apr

yeah, i know i’m ugly, i’m fat, i’m chubby, i’m not cute at all.

today was really a difficult day for me and it’s not about binge eating at all, just some “simple” depression:(

i’ve did a funny recipe page for you guys one to make myself valuable and second to really recommend my so-super-delicious breakfast stable this week.

sunday is usually a day without surprising foods and today was the same that i mainly took this as my food intake.

maybe those “lots-of-negative-self-talk” counted as intake too!?

though binge eating still some kind of continued, the situation was less serious becuz i was really DOWN to eat/drink. I WAS DOWN, and feeling worthless. but i didn’t want to die!!! becuz i knew that i still have to visit UK for studies, be a great businesswoman…etc. i did have lots of goals letting me not to suicide, but i just…:(

WANT TO KILL MYSELF. i hate myself. i hate myself being fat, i hate myself wasting money, i hate myself eating/binge, i hate myself cooking oily stuffs for my brother(a symptom of ED girls), i hate myself, thoroughly. thoroughly:(


7 Responses to “self hate?”

  1. MissPistachio April 8, 2012 at 2:41 pm #

    Oh my darling…you’re never going to get better until you can love yourself. You have to realize that you are WORTHY of that love though. And you ARE. Everyone is. I am so sorry you’re feeling this way, I know I’ve been down on myself before a million times and its terrible. If you WANT to be happy though you CAN be! Any time you want! ANY TIME! Just start saying YES to yourself! YES to you being awesome! YES to positive thinking! YES to love! You can do it, I have faith in you!

    • bananahut April 8, 2012 at 3:00 pm #

      thanks for everybody who support me, and i once felt so worthy…i love my bloggers, my facebookers, my family, my friends, my teachers..etc, but i just found it super difficult to love myself, all others have lots of good points but me?seems not even one. phew~i’m actually tired of myself…always rumbling and wasting you guys’ time to comfort me!? but anyway i’ll try to love myself, so as not to waste your time, and you guys know your sincere comments really helped lots of stupid guys like me now:) postitve!!!

  2. Fiona April 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm #

    Truth – you are beautiful
    Another truth –
    you are not fat.

    ED is a nasty negativity monster – so is depression.
    I hate myself too – self loathing is the bane of my existence as is depression. It’s part punishment part trying to obliterate myself, I think. And coping with depression and bad memories.
    Do you think you binge so as to not think?
    Hang in there – life is hard now but it’s not forever – this is a temporary feeling. Suicide is forever – and you rob yourself of a chance to ever see what could have become of your future that way.

    Most important truth of all? These things do pass – there WILL be a time in your future when you will be so very thankful you stuck it out here and gave life and yourself a chance

  3. ~Jessica~ April 8, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

    I feel exactly the same way about myself, so I don’t have any constructive advice I am afraid 😦

    I can only tell you things as I see them, and the way I see you is not as a fat or chubby or disgusting person at all. I think you’re just adorable, and oh so petite. But I know it’s not about what I see, it’s about how you perceive yourself.


    • bananahut April 9, 2012 at 4:03 am #

      thanks so much for your hug…i’ve been long time deprived of that:P

  4. thehungryartist May 4, 2012 at 1:25 pm #

    I know this is an old post, but I came across it and had to comment. You are SOO not ugly and fat! I’m so sorry you feel this way. I completely felt the same way when I was younger, so I can relate though. A lot of our reality is what is in our heads. The good news is that you have access to reach out to supportive people who are telling you, it just isn’t true! All the comments above are right on. I hope you believe them. You are SO worth it, and life will get better, and it is good that you are reaching out, and you aren’t wasting anyone’s time.

    • bananahut May 4, 2012 at 2:19 pm #

      you’re so kind to show same-ness, yes i think lots of teenagers afraid to get fat, but my binge disorder really made me even more worry than other girls…but now i grew stronger and fighting with the sickness, thanks for commenting for such an old post!!!

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